Category Archives: Musings

Musings

For All My Fathers

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Dad heartI have had 4 dads in my life and love them all even though not one of them is really in my life now. I am grateful to all of you and you all had a part of forming me as I am now, warts and all.

My bio dad who stepped into my life as an adult. He owned his abandonment of me and was willing to put in the time to try and build something with me. I didn’t get long enough with him and I still mourn his death.

My “middle” father;). He is the first man I remember calling “Daddy”. He made me feel adored and adorable as a little girl. Then he was removed from my life due to choices neither of us made. We reconnected some when I was an adult. I am grateful for the years he was my daddy.

The man I have called Dad most of my life. He didn’t choose me and may not if given a choice. But he is the reason I love history, games, went places, and was fed. All those years I thought he was making fun of my music… I now look back and realize just how many music videos and DOVE award shows he watched with me and how he knew all the words to my favorite songs. I am grateful for all you did for me and wish we had a relationship.

My father in law. He is the first man to truly show me unconditional love. When he told me on my wedding day that he loved me because his son chose me, I knew I was seeing a reflection of God the Father and his love. We all miss him so much but sometimes when Jeremy or the kids have a certain twinkle in their eye, it is like he is right there.

Father’s Day is a weird holiday for me. I love celebrating my wonderful husband (who will get his own post;). But I miss all the fathers I have had. Some have past and some just aren’t there anymore. I love them all. They all have a place in my heart. 

Blogging, Musings

Thoughts on #BlogHer14 and What’s Next for Me and Conferences

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Last week I went to the BlogHer conference in San Jose. It was a good conference and I am glad I went. That said, it was what it was. I will write about the fun and sessions later but while it is on my mind, I have to do a little conference analysis.

I enjoyed going but I have to be real about what it is. It is fun. I go to a few sessions and keynotes. I end up walking away with a couple of tidbits and feeling emotionally more secure in what I do. I hang out with some great people and make a couple of business connections. That’s it. 

Yup, that is about it. This year I think it was worth it because I drove. I loved the fact that it BlogHer was smaller this year so I could fully participate in all the conference and not be as rushed as previous years I have attended. And I love  seeing my friends! There is nothing that really beats that. But a good portion of my friends who I go to BlogHer to see didn’t come this year.  And that did make me sad.

But is it worth it? Well, when it is in California I think it is. Maybe. But this isn’t the only place I see my friends and it really isn’t the place I learn. And while I may go to BlogHer it isn’t my conference priority. If I have limited time and money (which is my plight right now) I need to focus on the most effective learning and connections conferences. BlogHerit isn’t a real active learning environment for me and in order to get the most out of my conference dollars I need it to be. 

I know, you are wondering what  are the conferences I love and learn at. 

The first one I am going to is Blogging Concentrated. They will be in San Francisco  on August 9th and LA on Sepptember 7th. I am attending the one in LA!

Why? To start with Dan Morris is the bomb! (Full disclosure, we are friends;) I have sat in on some of his sessions at conferences like Type A and Savvyblogging. He knows his stuff and how to teach it! He partners with Rachel Martin to teach a small group for 1 intensive day! Seriously, they limit it to around 35. 

I love that this isn’t aimed at the beginning blogger. It is aimed at that person who knows some of the basics and wants to kick it up to the next level. You can also ask just about any question and get an actionable answer.

The second one I am going to is TypeA Parent  in September. 

It is less than 500 people and frankly, I like that size better. It is also a learning conference. You take your laptop in because you will be given tools you can use then!  This conferences is really about equipping so we end up not just learning in the sessions but also in the conversations with people you both do and do not know. I recommend bloggers of all levels attend Type A for all of that learning.

And my peeps are here! I admit that I  find the Type A to be a bit more of my tribe. What tribe? Geeks and nerds but not just them, also people who are serious about blogging and learning how to do it better.  We all have very productive times of learning and a ton of fun at all the parties too! And getting to know other bloggers is important! I have to be real and say, I have gotten more paid work out of knowing other bloggers than out of pure company contacts. I love Type A so much, I am literally spending my birthday there this year;). 

These conferences are where I am going next. I am not saying that I am never going to BlogHer again. It has a value but I (and I think everyone else) needs to be really conscious of what each event brings to them. And is it the conference that gives you the most of what you need?

So what are you attending next? What did you think of BlogHer?

 

Musings, Uncategorized

Freedom in My Blog

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I just finished watching August: Osage County. It made me feel all these emotions and thoughts about my family. And not in the “at least my family isn’t that bad” way. But more in the “Holy crap, that could be a version of us in the future” way. I thought about how if I was constantly around it, how would it affect me versus how it already has…

I had all these thoughts running through my mind. Including that I can’t be the only one in this type of crazy situation, I just watched a movie about it. Knowing I am not alone, my thoughts turned to blogging to sort out the jumble in my head. Not only to vent but hopefully my chaos would help someone else in their own chaos.

And then I stopped short.

Why? I don’t really blog about the crazy that is my family situation, my mom or any emotions/thoughts about it. I don’t allow myself to write about anything to do with anything remotely related to my family and the effect on my life. I know for my mom, anything I write about any emotional processing or facts about my family will be an attack on her. Even if it isn’t about her. So I didn’t write about it for a smattering of reasons.

The first big reason is I want to respect my mom. I do love her and I don’t want to make her angry. I keep thinking at some point in the future she won’t be angry at me for the fact I have boundaries and that I can’t romanticize our past (because it angers and hurts me) and I don’t want a blog to be the one reason she won’t speak to me. But since I moved out on my own and got married, since I drew boundaries on how she could treat me, since I cut the strings she carved me out of the family. Why would a blog make the difference?

Another reason I never write about it all is a little shame. For years I despised myself. What kind of person am I that my own mom doesn’t love me? It took having kids for me to emotionally realize that is all more about her than me. But there is still a fear that others will judge and despise me for the same reasons I did.

The last reason is a ridiculous fear. My mom always made sure I knew that I was a horrible person. She had lists of stupid things I said and bad things I did (and they were bad). These things all served as evidence to show what a bad person I truly am. And if I aired what she considered to be her dirty laundry or embarrassed her…. Well, she would destroy my image and reputations. Everyone would know me for the despicable person I am. And yes, I lied and snuck around and did a whole bunch of crap that I am not proud of. But know what else? That was all before I was 21. Yup, before I was 21! That can’t define the person I am no. And I don’t think that I would want to be around any small minded people whom all that could effect.

Now that I have come to terms with the stupid thing that have prevented me from writing about my family situation, this isn’t going to become a mom bashing blog. But it does mean I am going to be free.

Free to write about missing my siblings. Free to write about questions on how to deal with my emotional issues. Free to share the epiphanies that have given me freedom from pain. I really can’t know what all it means but I do know that it isn’t actually about my mom but a freedom to be about me…. 

Musings

My Kingdom for Sleep (at Night)!

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This is a Type-A Parent paid post to discuss sleep issues, and to share a new insomnia resource from the National Sleep Foundation.

I have always have had sleep issues. And I mean always! Lets take an inventory of NerdMom’s history of sleep weirdness:

1) As a toddler my mom would hire a baby sitter to keep me up at night while she was cocktail waitressing. While I understand why (so I would sleep when she did), it was not an auspicious start;).

2) I used to get bronchitis in elementary school and major sinus issues that would keep me up at night as I would hack all night.

3) I had mononucleosis not once, but twice in high school a year apart. I have been tired ever since. And since that was over 20 years ago…

4) I slept on a living room couch for a couple of years. The couch wasn’t the problem so much as the fact that it meant I couldn’t go to sleep until the rest of my night owl family did. And I couldn’t control the environment.

5) I have had 4 kids which means the pregnancies kept me up and then the babies;). Near the end of my pregnancies I was on a sleeping pill but that isn’t something I really wanted to keep doing.

You would think that after all that I would just be super tired and sleep well at night, right? Nope!  I am always tired but at night, when I should sleep, I am wide awake. And this isn’t the good “get a bunch of things done while I am alone” awake. Nope, it is the “I am so tired but can’t turn off” awake. So I am not getting anything done. But I am so tired all day and can fall asleep anywhere if given a minute. And I mean it, I frequently fall asleep in the car when my husband drives us home in the car.

My husband says relax and I try… I have napped during the day, not napped during the day. I have done podcasts. But I will still be awake for at least an hour if not a couple. And that is valuable sleeping time that I want back in the morning!

The 1 thing I haven’t done that the experts at the National Sleep Foundation seem to recommend is having a set bedtime and wake time every day. I admit it, I get stuck doing something at night often. I will also grab every extra moment of sleep in the mornings so I get up at all different times. But I think this may be the key to getting to sleep for me! It take a while to have any habit kick in so I will report back in a few months and let you know how it works!

How do you sleep? My husband can be out in 10 minutes and my best friend is the same way. But I am not alone, right? Tell me your sleep stories!!!

Be sure to check out a new resource from the National Sleep Foundation at sleepfoundation.org/insomnia – a good place to start if you think you have insomnia or aren’t sleeping. The National Sleep Foundation is your trusted resource for everything sleep – understanding how sleep works & why it’s important, learning healthy habits, creating a relaxing bedroom & bedtime routine, & finding solutions to your sleep issues.

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Musings

National Send Your Man Nudes Day ( #NationalSendYourManNudesDay )

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By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Apparently it is National Send Your Man Nudes Day, at least there is a hastag that says it is;). When it comes to sex, nudity and the like my general rule is I don’t care what consenting adults do. But I think this is a mistake. And I have 3 basic reasons.

1) The internet (and texts) are forever. I know, Snap chat isn’t supposed to last. Or it was a private message on Facebook. Or they deleted the email. That may make you feel better but it isn’t completely true. The pictures never really go away and tend to become public at the absolutely worst moments.

2)You could get your partner (or worse, yourself) flagged for porn by your employer/school/provider. Yes, really.

3) If you are under 18 you can be trafficking in child porn. Yes, really. It could be a crime that follows you around the rest of your life.

Christianity, Musings

Did the Resurrection Surprise Satan?

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(Once again I began musing during Sunday School. This is a little scattered;)
So jump to the New Testament. Satan knew that Jesus was the Son of God. So much so that he tempted Christ, right? And the Messiah was promised and prophesied that he would be killed and raised on the 3rd day. So I never really understood Satan’s motivation for Christ’s crucifixion. What do I mean & where am I going with this rambling?

I knew that Satan wanted Christ killed to silence Christ since I was a child. The whole from the murder of the babies when Christ was born and Judas with the betrayal, etc. But that was an “official” thing to me because Satan was Christ’s enemy. Because I was raised with the whole story, I never could wrap my head around the fact that Satan didn’t know the whole story too. That Christ would have to be killed in order to be resurrected and save everyone. Satan knew the prophesy, knew God, and knew who Christ was. So why would he want Christ crucified to be resurrected?

It wasn’t until I read the death of Aslan and the next day in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe that I really had any idea what Satan might have felt at the crucifixion. The White Witch wanted Aslan killed be the sin of Edmund had to be paid according to the rules of Deep Magic. Aslan’s sacrifice just meant she got to take him out of play in her mind. But when Aslan came back to life the next day he told Lucy and Susan that while the witch knew the magic, she didn’t know the deeper magic.

I saw the parallel between Aslan and Christ and realized that while Satan knew a lot about God, way more than humanity did, he didn’t know it all. There were deeper truths. Upon Christ’s sacrifice, He would be resurrected and we could all be saved. I think it surprised Satan. I think he also rues the role he had in making it all happen.