I am less than 24 hours away from my 20th class reunion and I am nervous. A couple days ago I had a bit of a panic attack and vlogged it;).

I don’t like who I was in high school (or any of my “teens”) and I am still embarrassed about it. I didn’t like myself then either and so that deeply had an effect on my attitude. I was often not a nice person and was a little over cocky/aggressive. But that was long ago and I am a different person now.

In the panic: NerdDad was told me if I wasn’t excited/happy then not to go but I kind of feel like I have to face this. My best friend weighed in and she was hilarious. She said I couldn’t just not go and no one would think anything of it at this point. She said since I “made it” in a small way that it could be taken as a snub if I didn’t go…. Yeah, she is 1)a little crazy and 2)has a really low bar of any form of making it;). But I lover her anyway;).

So I got through that but the whole “I am not going to look good enough” freak out has been in the back of my mind for the last month;). But it hit me today…. The dress I am wearing was complemented by Jeannie Mai and the pictures have been complemented widely;). So I guess I should quit being a child about this!

I think it goes back to I need to be who I am now and not try to hard (as I still have a habit to do with former high school peeps). I may not have been likeable as a teen but people seem to find me pleasant enough now;).

I am good enough, smart enough and darn it, people like me! (Hey, Jack Handey was onto something;)

I will report back next week to let you know how it all goes!!!

Ok, so it has been a week since I wrote about my lump, my mind and the fact that I knew nothing. Well, I know more now and still nothing all at the same time.

So I went to the OBGYN on Tuesday and he felt what I had felt (so I am not crazy;). He said he wasn’t worried at all and we would have a mammogram to confirm and because I need one;).

I got in for my mammogram today and well… this is where it gets interesting?

So the mammogram itself wasn’t that bad. Not something I would be doing for fun but nothing to worry about or avoid by any means. So they took the pictures and stuck me in a room to wait…. And wait…

Then ultrasounds, then more pictures…. Then the doctor…. Well, they found something on the other side. What can I say, I am all about balance and symmetry;). They are pretty sure that it is nothing but they aren’t sure.

So tomorrow I am going to pay a fair amount of money to have them do a needle biopsy. I won’t know the results for about a week.

They are going to stick me with a needle and have a machine that sounds like a sewing machine going at the same time.

I am going to pretend that I am not freaking out…. I have a new lump and a fear of needles. What would I be freaking about? I mean, I was fine with them cutting me open for my c-section but the needle in the back made me want to freak.

Blurg….

And I don’t know if I am just sensitive (due to the drama and my extremely crazy schedule) but I am also a little annoyed with a friend. I feel like I am going to internally combust from the stress so I actually ask for help and I now feel like a burden…. I think I am just being sensitive. I hope. She and I definitely respond to these things differently and I am hoping I am so emotional over it because I don’t want to freak out about the lump and biopsy.

Ok, rambling and whining over for the night. Good night everyone!

Does the word lump ever mean anything good? I mean, “take your lumps”, “lump it or leave it”? I mean even a lump of sugar doesn’t sound appetizing. When is a lump ever good?

Yes, I am blathering. I am sitting here at my computer and should be working but my mind is wandering. We went on vacation last week and I have work, housework and the like piled up yet I am less productive than normal. Why? This morning I may have found a lump…..

But first a few facts:
A) I made an appointment with my doctor but it isn’t until next Tuesday so I don’t actually know anything.
B) I am a lumpy person. I have these fibroid type things so even if it is a lump it may be nothing.
C)I MAY have found a lump or I MAY NOT have. It is just a good thing that I have book learning. I have a few health issues that I have had since I was a kid so I learned to ignore my body a long time ago;). But I thought I felt something before that I wrote off and now it is more defined, I think.

All that said. I am a little emotional. There is part of me that had resigned myself that I would have cancer some day but not at 37 and not really breast cancer. I have a cancer ridden family but breast is the one I don’t think we have in the family history.

But I know nothing. I feel ridiculous for feeling so emotional when there are no actual facts. And won’t be for at least a week! Nothing has actually changed… I need to get over this because focusing on it and obsessing on it will do nothing good for me. But I would appreciate your prayers and I will let you know when this turns out to be nothing and I will feel silly.

But one last thing… Is it weird that the first thing I thought about was the need to clean up all my clutter so my kids wouldn’t have to?

Sorry, one more last thing. Is it wrong to admit that I thought if I have cancer but am going to put my family through treatment hell and then die would it be better to be undiagnosed and just die?

I was reading about Parent’s Day that is coming up at the end of July (which I had never heard of before) and I was also reading other news/headlines. I saw the beginning of one headline that really made me think about parenting (ok, made me want to rant;), “Usher’s Former Stepson”. To me, there are no “former step kids”.

(Continue reading over on the LabelDaddy Blog)