Wow, my church has a special, patriotic service today and it was one of the worst of my life. Wow!

Don’t get me wrong. I am a patriotic girl. My stepfather raised me on John Philip Sousa’s marches and the magic of the military. And of course, what nerd doesn’t love fireworks? So what could have possibly had me in the bathroom sobbing 25 minutes into church service with the desire to never celebrate the 4th of July again?

Well, it started when there was an honor guard that came to present the colors. All I could see was their shoes. See the last time I saw an honor guard was at my father’s funeral this past December. I spent most of the graveside service staring at the shiny shoes of the young men who were the honor guard. All I could focus on was the fact that one of the young men’s shoes was scuffed.

This is what seemed to have been on my mind in the beginning of our church service today. It brought back the emotion of having just lost my father. Seeing him in his casket wearing his First Calvary hat that he was so proud of. He always spoke so proudly of the time he spent in the military. So by the time that video about people who served in the Armed Forces was over, I was a mess.

I miss my dad. I really miss him. It surprises me how much I miss a dad that was really only in 7 years.

I was prepared for a miserable Father’s Day, with both my Father in Law, my dad having passed, and with my being estranged from my mom and step dad. So I was prepared to be a little sad that day. But today? Not so much. I am not a mourner. I get sad and then move on. But today I mourned. And hopeful I will again enjoy the Fourth of July.